Lakewood City Council Learns Song and Dance

Amtrak and Sound Transit were caught off-guard by the concerns of Lakewood residents about diverting passenger trains through their community. Citizens expressed worries about the speed of the trains, the frequency of Lakewood drivers to stop on the tracks, and the possible noise pollution.

In order to address concerns, Amtrak decided they needed to hire the slickest pitchman they could find to address the Lakewood City Council. They chose Michael Spitzauer, who claims his company can turn garbage to diesel in less than 10 minutes. He is trying to open a plant in Fife to do just that.

Said an Amtrak official speaking on conditions of anonymity, “The guy has convinced hundreds of investors to part with millions of dollars for his pie-in-the-sky idea. Surely that speaks to some salesmanship ability on his part.”

Spitzauer showed up to pitch the new Amtrak line at a special meeting of the Lakewood City Council last night. Tacoma Mayor Bill Baarsma was also present for the special meeting.

Spitzauer was oddly dressed, wearing a snappy red sport jacket that looked right out of “The Music Man.” Below is the pitch that he made, as taken down in the City Council Minutes. Unfortunately, it can’t capture the full flavor of the evening, since the entire proceedings were conducted in song. Exit133 remains unsure of who brought the piano into Council Chambers.

Cue the music.

The Amtrak Song
by Michael Spitzauer

Spitzauer: Well, sir, there’s nothing on earth
  Like a genuine,
  Bona fide,
  What’d I Say?
Helen McGovern: Amtrak!
Spitzauer: What’s it called?
Pad Finnigan: Amtrak!
Spitzauer: That’s right! Amtrak!

[Council chants ‘Amtrak’ softly and rhythmically]

Ron Cronk: I hear those trains make quite a noise.
Spitzauer:  They won’t even break your poise.
John Arbeeny:  Will our cars get hit by trains?
Spitzauer:  Not if you just use your brains.
Walter Neary:   Why not use the Ruston Tunnel?
Spitzauer: It’s too like a traffic funnel.
Grandpa Simpson: Were you sent here by the devil?

Spitzauer: No, good sir, I’m on the level.

Doug Richardson: Will service move to Freighthouse Square?

Spitzauer: All our trains will go through there!
  I swear it’s Lakewood’s only choice…
  Throw up your hands and raise your voice!
All: Amtrak!
Spitzauer: What’s it called?
All: Amtrak!

Spitzauer: Once again…
All: Amtrak!
Bill Baarsma:  But Tacoma’s roads are cracked and broken…
Claudia Thomas:  Sorry, Bill, the council’s spoken!
All: Amtrak!

[big finish]

Bill Baarsma:  Am … D’oh!

Thus concludes our musical interlude for the day. 

Disclaimer: Exit133 would also like to apologize to Lyle Lanley for drawing the comparison between him and Michael Spitzauer. We meant no offense to the Monorail Salesman.  We may occasionally stretch the truth or make things up on Fridays… but only when there’s a disclaimer. Everything else is absolutely true. Trust us.

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Erik B.

Nice work Exit 133 team.

March 2, 2009 at 10:27 pm / Reply / Quote and reply

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Tina Kelley

Thanks Derek! Now if only we could find a Local person to Imagine Maplewood. Or Millburn. Or South Orange! You have great ideas. Thanks for telling me about them.

March 2, 2009 at 11:03 pm / Reply / Quote and reply

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Thorax O'Tool

A little more coverage like that, and maybe 133 will finally get up to runaway freight train kinda velocity.

Or at least runaway steamroller. Now that would be smashing!

March 3, 2009 at 1:03 am / Reply / Quote and reply

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Tom Llewellyn

You should change your web page banner to read, “Exit 133, as seen in the New York Times”

March 3, 2009 at 10:23 am / Reply / Quote and reply

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