Tacoma’s been hit by an outbreak of Caucus Fever (clinically diagnosed as the streptocaucus virus). Caucus Fever usually strikes Washington every four years or so, but doctors believe this year the virus will be more resilient than ever.

Usually caucus fever dissipates with strong doses of political apathy, but state health monitors believe the virus will be more contagious than normal.

Governor Chris Gregoire indicated she has been vigilantly watching for signs that Caucus Fever was nearing our state. She became alarmed when our neighboring state, Idaho, was swept with the virus on Tuesday.

In preparation for an outbreak, local doctors have taken the dramatic step of converting schools and libraries into makeshift treatment centers that will be open by Saturday. These “Caucus Sites” will have staff on hand to sort patients by the strain of virus they are carrying (Clintonitis, Obamumps, McCain Pains, Huckameasles). The number of patients with each strain of the virus will be tallied and reported to the Center for Disease Control (CDC) where they will compare our figures with those of other states.

Possible Symptoms of Caucus Fever include:

• Sitting in coffee shops looking up “superdelegates”
• Getting into political debates with people you never would have before, like your boss or your grandmother
• Using phrases like “Yes, we can,” or “the Straight Talk Express” in a sentence
• Reading newspapers other than The News Tribune
• Calling yourself a Hillraiser
• Constantly comparing real life to the last season of The West Wing

• Suddenly believing that Washington will “matter”

Treatment

Like many viruses, medical experts suggest letting the virus run its course. By Sunday, any inflammation you’ve experienced should have subsided. Take the next week easy and relax knowing that it’s going to be another four years before we’re struck again.

Disclaimer: We may occasionally stretch the truth or make things up on Fridays… but only when there’s a disclaimer. Everything else is absolutely true. Trust us.

8. February 2008, 10:24 Comment [6]

4 days into 2008, we’ve made our predictions for the next 362 days of the year.

Looking back over our predictions for 2007 we found we hit some things on the head and missed others completely. Ah well.

So here’s our list of predictions for 2008. Feel free to add some of your own.

Tacoma Changes Its Name to Russell, WA
Do you like us now?

Clear Channel Saves Murray Morgan Bridge
Tacoma brokers deal. Tells Clear Channel, “Save the Bridge, Save your billboards.”

The News Tribune Goes Mobile
Every TNT reporter loses their desk following the success of “Word on the Street” reporter Scott Fontaine. Capers, Meconi’s, and Suite133 sales boom!

North Shore Developers Build New Golf Course
Developers decide golf courses are cool. Buy all the houses in Northeast Tacoma to build another one. Residents still unhappy.

Tribune Starts New Blogs
Topics include dog walking, urban spelunking, and a Daily Photo from Tollefson Plaza.

Gnomes for Cones
The Museum of Glass finds itself inundated with woodland creatures after its cone is featured in Retired Gnome Monthly.

Sitecrafting Goes Blogging
Gives up designing websites. Decides to focus on its growing business of employing bloggers.

Grocery Store Rumored for Downtown
According to our sister’s friend’s father’s cousin’s hairdresser, there’s a grocery store coming. And that’s a fact.

Disclaimer: We may occasionally stretch the truth or make things up on Fridays… but only when there’s a disclaimer. Everything else is absolutely true. Trust us.

4. January 2008, 17:51 Comment [8]

Local blogger and hopeful theater operator Erik Hanberg has announced a new project this week called TacomaHotOrNot.com. The new website will allow Tacomans to post pictures of themselves online and let other Tacomans rate their attractiveness. By the end of next year, he hopes that Tacoma has crowned a Hottest Woman and a Hottest Man.

In describing the website, Hanberg says that he’s going to feature something unusual for this kind of website: Ranked Choice Voting (RCV). “This November, the citizens of Pierce County voted to keep RCV. It was like the County ran a marketing survey for me—if that’s what voters want, that’s what voters will get.”

We had been curious about what his secret project was since the last City Council meeting, when a vote was passed 8-1 to award Hanberg $157,000. He confirmed that, indeed, the City of Tacoma had funded the startup.

“There’s nothing unseemly about the City wanting to rank the hotness of local citizens,” Hanberg said. “And I should be clear that this is entirely and absolutely unrelated to any secretive plan to keep the Russell Company in Tacoma.”

Russell? What does TacomaHotOrNot have to do with keeping Russell?

We sent a spy into the City building earlier this week posing as an “intern for a day,” who swiped us some confidential memos. What came back was startling.

TacomaHotOrNot is the first step in an elaborate plan to—quite literally—wed Frank Russell to Tacoma. Once the relative hotness of an individual has been established online, they will be recruited to identify, seduce, and marry an employee of the Russell Company. They will then be offered a 10 year property tax abatement on any home in Tacoma they desire. Marry into the Director level or above and the rewards grow exponentially. The specifics of this particular tier of the program were not available at this time as city staffers are waiting for the next biennial budget to release details.

City Manager Eric Anderson admitted the plan was in motion and was one of the first initiatives of Project Mirror Room, a project working jointly with Project Destiny. “Do you realize it’s going to be 2008 in just a few days?” he said. “The clock is ticking. If we can get Russell employees tied down to our fair city by marrying them off to Tacoma’s hottest citizens, we need to start today.”

Can non-hot Tacoma citizens help as well?

“Absolutely,” Anderson said. “Those who don’t rank highly on the site will be given driver’s licenses with Bellevue addresses and sent to bars up north on Friday and Saturday nights. The Russell employees who live in Seattle and Bellevue will start to find the dating scene suddenly leaves a lot to be desired … ”

Disclaimer: We may occasionally stretch the truth or make things up on Fridays… but only when there’s a disclaimer. Everything else is absolutely true … Trust us.

Previously on Exit133

28. December 2007, 13:49 Comment [10]

In a surprise move today, the Point Defiance Zoo and Aquarium announced that they will depart from their 20-year tradition of “Zoolights” and try a radical new concept: ZooLight.

The idea is to place one single enormous bulb over the Zoo that will serve both as a place for holiday merriment and as a navigational beacon for ships rounding Point Defiance.

“After discussions with the Ports of Tacoma and Olympia, who will help us construct the beacon, we felt this was a cost effective choice for us,” a PDZA spokesperson said. “A holiday-themed beacon will continue to attract visitors because the total wattage will actually increase with our new bulb.”

But isn’t the magic of the event having so many bulbs, cleverly arranged?

“No, people are here to see a lot of watts.”

Will the new light twinkle at least?

“In the same way that lighthouses twinkle, yes.”

Ah.

An inside source at the Zoo has let us know that the rebranding of Zoolights resulted in part from increased competition in the region. “Local residents who go all out decorating their houses have started to directly challenge Zoolights as the premiere holiday light destination,” he said. “Rather than try to keep battling the suburban family with an inflatable snow globe on their lawn, the Zoo is going to permanently one-up them.”

The spokesperson denied competition was part of the rational for the change, but her arguments were along similar lines: “Our surveys show that we’re missing the market for ‘gawkers’—those who find attractions worthwhile only if they are seeing the largest lava lamp or the biggest pencil or what-have-you. We’re trying to grab that market with The Largest Christmas Tree Bulb in the World, without losing our current demographic.”

As part of that outreach, the Zoo has tailored next year’s marketing to suggest … a certain alcoholic beverage they feel will appeal to the “gawker” crowd. “We’re not saying that Bud Light will be a sponsor of Zoo Light, but we felt our new logo would help make it clear to them that we’d be interested in a partnership.”

It sounds like you’ve managed to put ZooLights through enough committees and marketing reports and demographic studies that you’ve taken all the joy out of a great event.

“Nonsense. Zoo Light will be as popular with Tacoma as Zoolights has been. It will have to be, because we’re selling all our Christmas lights and contractually won’t be able to turn the new bulb off for another 20 years.”

Disclaimer: We may occasionally stretch the truth or make things up on Fridays… but only when there’s a disclaimer. Everything else is absolutely true … Trust us.

21. December 2007, 10:51 Comment [4]

In yesterday’s Weekly Volcano Natasha G. set out to unmask the TacomaGnome. She has asked a lot of people if they are the Tacoma Gnome. So much that she even asked us.

This is the letter she sent to Exit133:

Dear Exit133,

Some of my little friends say that you are behind the Tacoma Gnome. Papa says, ‘If they tell you they are the Gnome than it is so.’ Please tell me the truth; are you the Tacoma Gnome?

Natasha G.

Here is our reply:

Yes, Virginia Natasha, there is a Tacoma Gnome. And we are that Gnome. Erik Hanberg is the Tacoma Gnome. Sweet pea is the Tacoma Gnome. Tacoma Chickadee is the Tacoma Gnome. You, Natasha, are the Tacoma Gnome.

Because, Natasha, the Tacoma Gnome exists in all of us as certainly as love and generosity and devotion exist, and you know that they abound and give to your life its highest beauty and joy.

Alas! how dreary would be the world if there were no Tacoma Gnome. It would be as dreary as if there were no Natashas.

Do you desire any more than that, Natasha? Will you keep sleuthing until you find the Gnome’s photographer and his biographer? You may tear apart the baby’s rattle and see what makes the noise inside, but then what you would be left with? Nothing but a broken rattle.

Unmask the Tacoma Gnome? You may as well unmask Santa Claus! And then you’ll lose all the joy and wonder that comes with living in Tacoma, a town full of magic and mystery. Unmask the Tacoma Gnome, and then what? Will you reveal where Tacoma stores its Grit? Or which star the Museum of Glass cone points toward on the night of the winter solstice? Or at which coffee shop the Virgin Mary keeps appearing in hazelnut lattes?

Nay, Natasha, these are the mysteries of Tacoma that should not be revealed. The Tacoma Gnome is in all of us. And let us all rest happily in that knowledge.

Sincerely,

Exit133

(With thanks to the famous New York Sun editorial from which we have lifted heavily.)

30. November 2007, 01:03 Comment [21]

A public outcry to save the Murray Morgan Bridge turned into a fierce battle yesterday. The bridge was closed by the State Tuesday due to safety concerns.

The outcry against the State was taken up to Tacoma’s elected leaders. “First we fought them in meetings, then we fought them in the press,” said an enraged Mayor Bill Baarsma. “Now we’re taking our fight to the streets.”

Following the lead of the Mayor, the entire City Council marched onto the bridge and chained themselves to the heavy steel frame.

“If this bridge is unsafe, then I move that we, the Tacoma City Council, force the Department of Transportation to act by endangering our own lives to save this bridge,” declared Julie Anderson.

“I second!” shouted Mike Lonergan from the other side of the bridge.

After the impromptu vote passed unanimously, Bill Evans said, “Even though I’m leaving the Council in just a few months, we needed to show the entire Council’s support … that there are no ‘weak links,’ so to speak.” He held up his chains to emphasize the point.

That said, one councilmember (who shall remain anonymous) showed Exit133 a set of trick handcuffs they had used to lock themselves to the bridge, muttering, “I like the bridge and all, but if this thing starts rumbling I’m running for land and no one can stop me. Man … I knew things were bad when I saw the Mayor this morning. Whenever he puts on his face paint I know I’m going to end up doing something crazy.”

The Council of 9, led by William Wallace Baarsma soon found they had friends. Candidates Marilyn Strickland, David Curry, and Lauren Walker all chained themselves to the bridge to show their support for the iconic structure. They were soon joined by owners of businesses in the tideflats that had lost business after the closure.

The span really got packed when the entire Tacoma chapter of the International Longshore and Warehouse Union swarmed the bridge, chanting “If Mount Rainier Blows Its Spout / We Need An Exit Route!”

By the late afternoon, 3,800 people had chained themselves to the bridge. Secretary of Transportation Paula Hammond pleaded with the mob through a megaphone, “Please disperse! This bridge has only been tested to hold 2,500 protesters!” (We noted at this point a certain councilmember making a hasty exit toward the Port.)

Calling after the fleeing member and facing the suddenly nervous crowd, Mayor Baarmsa rose to his feet and cried, “Aye! Stay on this bridge, and you may die. Run, and you’ll live … at least for a while. But dying in your beds, many years from now, would you be willin’ to trade ALL the days, from this day to that, for one chance, just one chance, to come back here and tell our enemies that they may take our lives, but they’ll never take… OUR BRIDGE!”

And so it was, in the Year of our Lord 2007, patriots of Tacoma charged against their enemies. They fought like warrior poets; they fought like Scotsmen, and won their bridge.

Disclaimer: We may occasionally stretch the truth or make things up on Fridays… but only when there’s a disclaimer. Everything else is absolutely true … Although sometimes we like our version better.

26. October 2007, 07:04 Comment [7]

It wasn’t announced in time to hit the presses, but there’s a last minute addition to the Tour of Urban Living that is sure to be a Must See for tour-goers this weekend.


So while you’re browsing the Marcato, the Roberson, 505 Broadway, make sure you leave time to see Condos of the Arts (also known as COTA), created by first-time developer Tacoma School District.

For as much as they sound like opportunities for up-and-coming artists, the 44 units of the Condos of the Arts will not be priced for starving artists. The target buyers are in fact the parents of SOTA students, many of whom are so enraptured by what their children get to do in class all day that they want to experience it for themselves.

One parent told us, “Little Johnny gets course credit for making films and paint and put on funny masks and dance around … it’s nothing like the school I had to go to.”

Marketing to parents under the slogan “It’s Your Turn,” the Condos of the Arts will provide unfettered access to the art equipment and studio space at all SOTA Facilities. Co-Director John Ketler defended the decision, saying that the condo dues of the residents will help sustain educational programs that wouldn’t otherwise be available to students.

“Condo dues should go to more than just insurance and saving up for small repairs,” he said. “They should go toward oil paints and mini DV cameras … theater equipment and tap shoes, both for the kids and the parents.”

He continued, “Basically, we’ve been shooing away parents for so long that we’ve grown tired of it. If they want in to the classes so badly, fine: fork over $500,000 for a condo and we’ll let you in too.”

Some students seem worried about the prospect of their parents taking up art classes with them. “I mean, I’m trying to freaking rebel here. That’s why I took up dance in the first place, because I knew my parents would hate it! But now … what if my dad is in class with me? I might have to start taking business courses … that’ll show him.”

Disclaimer: We may occasionally stretch the truth or make things up on Fridays… but only when there’s a disclaimer. Everything else is absolutely true. Trust us.

12. October 2007, 09:40 Comment [3]

May 5, 2007
Great day! Marty Riemer asked me to call Greg Nickels a “beeyotch” on the radio for a commercial. I pretended I didn’t know what the word meant. “Is that a gardening tool or something?” I asked him. LOL. Greg IS a tool. But Riemer totally bought the Stuffy Business Professor act. So I got to call the Seattle Mayor a “beeyotch” on the radio, and all I had to do was pretend I didn’t know what it meant. Man, if anyone ever read you, diary, and saw the REAL Bill Baarsma, their heads would freaking explode.

July 18, 2007
What a day! Connie is on my case about the potholes again. It’s just a few bumps in the road that no one in T-Town wanted to fix until that storm screwed everything up! Does she want to blame me for the snow, too? C’mon, it’s freaking July already. Forget last winter already, people!

August 10, 2007
Jeez. All these people keep yakking about North Shore Golf Course. “Save North Shore! Save North Shore!” Jake keeps trying to get me to do something. Do what, yo? I’m just a part-time mayor. Now maybe if you all were willing to support a STRONG MAYOR form of government I open a can of whoop-ass on this one horse town and really get things done.

August 23, 2007
Man, those primary election results were a total buzz kill. Jonny was fourth out of four???!! WTF? That was my guy! I thought my endorsement would have at least gotten him into the general. Where’s the love? Maybe I’ve played the college professor shtick too long. I was at Tully’s today and I don’t think anyone even recognized me. What do I need to do, wear a sash that says Mayor of Tacoma on it? Geesh. I hate this place sometimes.

August 28, 2007
The LID vote tonight was off the hook. Sometimes I feel like it would just be easier to hold Riley up by his ankles and try to shake the loose change out of his pockets. Damn. People are going to be pissed.
On the plus side, everyone still thinks Tom and I hate each other. Ha! I can’t believe people are that gullible. Poker night is at his place Friday. If Julie thinks she can call deuces wild again, I’m going to flip.

September 19, 2007
Sweet. Dan Voepel said I was like the hero of a Western for standing up to Sound Transit. About freaking time someone noticed. Maybe I’ll stick around this po-dunk burg a little while longer. Someone is bound to name a park after me eventually.

Disclaimer: We may occasionally stretch the truth or make things up on Fridays… but only when there’s a disclaimer. Everything else is absolutely true. Trust us.

28. September 2007, 07:48 Comment [4]

Left foot, blame staff … Right hand, vote nay … it’s just that easy!

A note to the Councilmember: A single issue may require more than one spin of the Voting Wheel. Don’t panic! Your new vote, as dictated by your spin, need not in any way correlate to your last vote.

Disclaimer: We may occasionally stretch the truth or make things up on Fridays… but only when there’s a disclaimer. Everything else is absolutely true. Trust us.

31. August 2007, 07:37 Comment [11]

Aries (March 21 – April 19) The waxing moon is in your favor. Expect a lot of luck this week. It might be time to try out for that play at Tacoma Little Theater. Lucky numbers: 1 through 23,723, but not 52.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20) Jupiter’s transit through Virgo means you should venture out more. Meet new people! Romance abounds at the next Love Tacoma event. (This horoscope brought to you by Love Tacoma.)

Gemini (May 21 – June 21) Death. Probably in a hail of gunfire. Sorry.

Cancer (June 22 – July 22) You’ll see the person you were destined to marry riding the Link. Unfortunately, you’ll be in your car at 11th and Commerce. Too bad you drove today, eh?

Leo (July 23 – August 22) You are the same sign as fellow Leo FeedTacoma, which just turned 1. Recommend celebrating at Galanga or Capers.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22) Tacoma’s got nothing left for you anymore. With Mercury at its peak, now may be the time to pull up roots and relocate. How do you feel about Burien?

Libra (September 23 – October 22) Lunar tides boost your influence next week. Whoever you vote for in Tuesday’s primary is going to win. If you don’t vote, anarchy will likely ensure.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21) At 6:00 pm tonight stand on the Bridge of Glass wearing moon boots, chaps, a fake tuxedo t-shirt, and a beret. You’ll thank us Monday.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) The creative class beckons! Quit your day job and join the ranks of creative professionals! Do it today! (Note: horoscopes for entertainment purposes only. Exit133 accepts no liability for your mid-life crisis.)

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19) New opportunities beckon. Remember, the wisest is wiser than one who is not wise. Vague sentiments will lead you to prosperity.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18) Are you really going to base your next decision on Saturn’s proximity to its zenith? C’mon, people!

Pisces (February 19 – March 20) You’re in one of America’s most livable cities; get out and enjoy it! Or else.

17. August 2007, 11:44 Comment [9]

You know what this friday would be funny for a Satire?

What is that one?

What if we copí something English it in the Portuguese who uses a translator of the fotorreceptora leather strap and copí then this back part of the result inside to the English?

The Python de Monty not fêz that one in one of its DVDs?

Yes, they had made that one in the additions stops of “the Python Monty and the search for the Grail Holy.”

You think of peoples you would start the joke?

I do not know. It is type of funny, right?

I assume thus. What has that to make with Tacoma, though?

It swims, I I assume, not to be that that one we could mention Tacoma in the conversation. I want to know if the Tacoma name to start translated well in the Portuguese and I stop backwards the English o.

That one is an interesting question.

I want to know if we could prick the amusement in peoples and also not order any one carrying through because the translation was thus bad.

Who you would want to make the amusement?

Clear narrow channel?

In., we made that one a last week.

City hall?

They had not made any thing that bad recently.

The transport department?

What is funny on them?

They are closing I-5 per 19 days and the jams of traffic will extend of Seattle the Tacoma if the things will really start bad.

It is as they are trying to keep peoples in Tacoma obstructing freeways.

Ha! To see, we can make a joke is of that one! This is one satire great.

- – - – - –

Today’s satire was made possible by Google Translator

Link to the untranslated original

Disclaimer: We may occasionally stretch the truth or make things up on Fridays… but only when there’s a disclaimer. Everything else is absolutely true. Trust us.

10. August 2007, 07:31 Comment [4]

So that headline makes no sense.

But we at Exit133 are exercising our freedom of speech to write silly silly nonsense whenever we please.

This is in full support of our corporate overlord Clear Channel, whose new billboard campaign shows how important free speech is by utterly wasting it. They are saying, in effect, “Speech is so important that when we actually have a chance to exercise it on 193 billboards, we’re going to use that opportunity to spout off with a vague and vacuous slogan.”

The problem that we see is that they didn’t go far enough! Why stop with “Constitutions Matter?” Why not go even vaguer? More vacuous-ness!

With that in mind we have assembled a proposal for some new billboards for Clear Channel that should be even more eye-catching than the current slogan.

But we didn’t want them to have to do much re-printing, so we’ve just mixed up the letters of “Constitutions Matter” into some new messages that will work just as well, we think.

The Current Campaign

Our Proposals

Who is his tiniest tot, we wonder.

I think we should stone them, too. Stupid artistic sheep.

Paging RR. Paging RR. It’s your time.

Erotica does what now?

Poor Tom.

Intricate mottos do stun. This is, of course, what Clear Channel must have been driving at the whole time.

Who knew how many good words were in that billboard campaign? After this much fun with Scrabble tiles, we’ve decided to compete in the next Scrabble tournament. See you there.

Disclaimer: We may occasionally stretch the truth or make things up on Fridays… but only when there’s a disclaimer. Everything else is absolutely true. Trust us.

3. August 2007, 07:18 Comment [8]

The City of Tacoma is seeking a professional consultant to help tell its story.

The City may end their search now! Exit133 has rigorously studied all known techniques for marketing Tacoma effectively and easily. We have assembled them here for the convenience of city officials but also for residents who would like to help promote the City of Destiny. Wait, Wired City USA? Where Art and Nature Meet? Or are we Where Rails Meet Sails again? Thrice All American?

Ah well. Whichever slogan we’re going with, you can be assured that by following the simple rules below, you can confidently tell your out-of-town friend*, “You’ll Like Tacoma.”

*Note, may not work for King County friends.

We give you …

The Ten Commandments for Marketing Tacoma

1. Thou shalt start every story about Tacoma by describing what a bad place it used to be.

2. Thou shalt describe how much fiber optic cable we have in the ground.

3. Thou shalt not mention how often we dug up the roads to get it there.

4. Thou shalt tell business owners how quick the permit process is. Thou shalt use a comic strip to do so.

5. Thou shalt brag about our museums, even though you probably don’t go unless you’re trying to impress your in-laws.

6. Thou shalt brag about our light rail, even though you probably don’t ride it because your Escalade is much more comfortable.

7. Thou shalt tell visitors not to worry; the Tacoma Aroma is not nearly as bad as it used to be.

8. Thou shalt tell convention planners that Tacoma is just as good as Seattle because we are the same distance from the airport. (sub-commandment: thou shalt tell visitors to stay in Tacoma because it’s closer to Mt. Rainier than Seattle is).

9. Thou shalt assure your listener that whatever awful thing happened last night that put Tacoma on the national news is a rarity. Thou shalt repeat your assurance at least twice annually.

10. Thou shalt tell people you are from Seattle when you are traveling. We all know it’s too hard to explain where Tacoma is.

Disclaimer: We may occasionally stretch the truth or make things up on Fridays… but only when there’s a disclaimer. Everything else is absolutely true. Trust us.

20. July 2007, 07:44 Comment [15]

According to The News Tribune, more than twice as many transponders have been sold than the Washington State Department of Transportation anticipated. The DOT has had to contact their vendor, TransCore, to order more transponders.

WashDOT: Uh, yes … hi, this is Greg Selstead, Director of Tolling Operations for the Washington State DOT … no, no rain this week, it’s actually been quite nice. … Uh, huh. … Well New York actually gets more than we do. …

Listen, the reason I’m calling is to order more transponders for the bridge we’re building out here, can you patch me through to Sue Ellen in Customer Service? … Oh, well I’m sorry to hear that. … Sure, Mitch will be fine.

Yes, Mitch? Hi, Greg Selstead here with the DOT in Washington State. … No, clear skies, actually. We do get a summer here too, you know. … Right.

Well, I’m calling about getting more transponders for the Narrows. … The Narrows Bridge. … No, we’ve rebuilt it. … Twice now.

Well, we’re going to be tolling there next week and we’re running low on transponders. Demand has been unexpectedly high. Oh, um … let me find it.

[sound of rustling paper]

GREG: We’ve been using Model … TF114 Dash B. … Oh. I see. Sue Ellen said you would have more than enough to cover us even if demand ran high. … Well, I don’t care who she defrauded, we need transponders! …

All right. I understand. I’m sorry I lost my temper. … Uh huh … Well what does the Dash C model do that’s so different? …

Well, we are really just interested in collecting tolls for the bridge, we don’t really need to track them on our other freeways. … Oh, well that’s a different story. What else comes standard with the new model?

Built in breathalyzers? Is that legal? … hmm, no, we’re Point 08 here. … uh huh … hmm … is Bluetooth really nece — mmm … all XM stations? Wow … And that integrates with … interesting …

Listen, that sounds great and all, but, we don’t need to know the number of passengers. Well sure, statistics are always good. We love statistics but … wait, how does it know how many are in the car anyway? … I see … the same way it knows what’s in their wallets. …

Ha! Sounds like all it’s missing is cruise control. … No, I’m not interested in learning more about the Dash M model.

I’m just curious now, what exactly would one of these things cost? … Right. You see, we’ve been giving them away, so $129.99 is going to sound expensive to some people.

We just need an easy way for commuters to cross the bridge without waiting in line. No special features, no bells and whistles, and no frills or gimmicks! Do you have that? …

… All right, I’ll bite … what’s the special new feature? … It charges California drivers double?

We’ll take it!

Disclaimer: We may occasionally stretch the truth or make things up on Fridays… but only when there’s a disclaimer. Everything else is absolutely true. Trust us.

13. July 2007, 07:54 Comment [3]